| PLEASE do reach out to me or someone you feel comfortable with. If you or someone you love is impacted by sexual assault or family violence, call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732). In an emergency, call 000. When I work with couples putting together their Birth Map, we cover more than just the birth. One of the most important discussions we have is for Life with a newborn and a growing family. We discuss the Fourth Trimester and the realities of our changing bodies, interests and needs. We also discuss the change in the relationship once two become a family. One aspect of this is sex. Your Life Will Change For many women, sex is the last thing on their mind. And the time it takes to feel amorous again varies…and it could be more than a year. It can be easy to brush off The Talk as first time parents. But it can help to be prepared for the change. In all things good communication makes a positive difference. Being able to tell your partner how you feel, and find ways to stay connected when physical intimacy isn’t possible. Reasons physical intimacy may not be possible Stitches or other physical prevention (even if the desire is there for the mother) No Desire (even though there is Love) If one or both of these reasons is present the circumstances are NO sex. Even in marriage there must be consent. This news article was published on July 31st, 2017. Go with caution. It contains graphic discussion of rape and domestic violence. Some men do feel entitled to ‘the benefits of marriage’ and pressure (or even force) the new mother. This is rape. Other men are understanding but feel rejected, and withdraw. Other men are understanding, accepting and supportive. You may hear advice suggesting that your lack of desire just needs reminding, and to be ‘warmed up’. That is bullshit. If you don’t feel like sex, you should not be pressured, coerced or forced. A loving and supportive partner will understand. You are not broken or faulty or wrong. You are a Mother. A Woman. A Person. Being a Wife does not negate these aspects of You. You may see memes or advice pages suggesting that doing the washing up is sexy…that is if a husband does the dishes you can reward the dear with sex. Sex is not a reward, It is not a right. It is not an obligation. Communication is the key. Becoming a Mother is a transformation called matrescence. This can insight seeking a deeper and more meaningful connection. One of shared purpose, one that goes beyond physical intimacy. One that is more sustaining, nurturing, nourishing, passionate in ways where she feels seen and heard. She needs a partner, a confidante, a supporter. Googling this problem tends to suggest she must return to a previous state of being…essentially suggesting she must not step into her power, must not transform or grow, and Must Be Sexually Available. The solution is not her being fixed so she can satisfy his sexual fantasy. Always giving, never receiving? Has he behaved in an entitled, sulking manner? Why must his ‘needs’ be met first and some kind of unspoken tally kept where his attentiveness only lasts as long as his post coital bliss? A relationship is so much more than physical intimacy, this is superficial. Unfortunately, googling this question would suggest it is all that matters. Insta Relationship coaches will reinforce this…but a man that is only ‘connected’ as long as the sexual bliss is on his terms is holding her at ransom. She is either waiting for her cup to be filled or becoming resolved to a relationship no deeper than nerve endings. What an inspiration our hypersexualised, superficial, capitalist patriarchy is! We all deserve deeper and more meaningful connections. Becoming parents is an opportunity to evolve, to expand and to transform your relationship.  Aligning expectations, reality and support makes a positive difference. Understanding that the reality of having a baby is that you might not have sex for a year or more is important. Supporting each other to stay emotionally connected is important. When physical intimacy is not possible, we can connect more deeply. This can be hard. But it is worth it. Relationships change with time. From coupledom, through early parenting and onward to ’empty nests’. Embrace the Journey. |