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If you or someone you love is impacted by sexual assault or family violence, call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732). In an emergency, call 000.
When I work with couples putting together their Birth Map, we cover more than just the birth. One of the most important discussions we have is for Life with a newborn and a growing family. We discuss the Fourth Trimester and the realities of our changing bodies, interests and needs.
We also discuss the change in the relationship once two become a family. One aspect of this is sex.
Your Life Will Change
For many women, sex is the last thing on their mind. And the time it takes to feel amorous again varies…and it could be more than a year.
It can be easy to brush off The Talk as first time parents. But it can help to be prepared for the change. In all things good communication makes a positive difference. Being able to tell your partner how you feel, and find ways to stay connected when physical intimacy isn’t possible.
Reasons physical intimacy may not be possible
Stitches or other physical prevention (even if the desire is there for the mother)
No Desire (even though there is Love)
If one or both of these reasons is present the circumstances are NO sex. Even in marriage there must be consent.
This news article was published on July 31st, 2017. Go with caution. It contains graphic discussion of rape and domestic violence.
Some men do feel entitled to ‘the benefits of marriage’ and pressure (or even force) the new mother. This is rape. Other men are understanding but feel rejected, and withdraw. Other men are understanding, accepting and supportive.
You may hear advice suggesting that your lack of desire just needs reminding, and to be ‘warmed up’. That is bullshit.
If you don’t feel like sex, you should not be pressured, coerced or forced. A loving and supportive partner will understand. You are not broken or faulty or wrong. You are a Mother. A Woman. A Person. Being a Wife does not negate these aspects of You.
You may see memes suggesting that doing the washing up is sexy…that is if a husband does the dishes you can reward the dear with sex.
This is bullshit. Do the fucking washing up arsehole!
Please excuse me, I do feel rather strongly about this.
Sex is not a reward, It is not a right. It is not an obligation.
Communication is the key.
Aligning expectations, reality and support makes a positive difference.
Understanding that the reality of having a baby is that you might not have sex for a year or more is important. Supporting each other to stay emotionally connected is important. When physical intimacy is not possible, we can connect more deeply. This can be hard. But it is worth it. Relationships change with time. From coupledom, through early parenting and onward to ’empty nests’. Embrace the Journey.
Enlightened partners understand that you are a Team. You are parenting together. You are a Family. Together you determine what this looks and feels like for you. Respectfully. As a Team.
Why doesn’t she want to have sex with me after the baby?
Struggling to reclaim intimacy and libido after baby